Having Children: 50 Reasons Not To!

Most pregnancies don't look like this.... Or not for very long.

My friend recently directed me to this post. After having a laugh, I told her I could have come up with 50 reasons before labour even starts. 

So I thought I had better deliver, and here are my 50 reasons, in no particular order. Some of these may be funny - others not so much.

1. Swollen feet;
2. Cankles;
3. Not knowing if your favourite shoes will ever fit again;
4. Not being able to put your own shoes on;
5. Not knowing if your favourite jeans will ever fit again;
6. Being woken in the morning by excruciating leg cramps;
7. Sinusitis – because who doesn’t love a nose that drips like a tap?
8. A persistent cough for three months because of sinusitis;
9. The disgusted looks people give you because of the cough because they are afraid you will infect them with your non-infectious sinusitis;
10. Feet like yesterday you spent all day at a show or fair – even first thing in the morning, and even if you spent the last 24 hours lying down;
11. Not being able to stand long enough to brush your teeth;
12. Sore knees;
13. Round ligament pain – I do so love the feel of a hot knife shoved into my lower abdomen;
14. Symphisis pubis dysfunction;
15. Not being able to stand, sit, walk or lie down without being in pain;
16. Not being able to sleep for more than 1.5 hours at a stretch for 9 months;
17. Waking up because your hip is numb and needing to completely reconstruct your bed and the dozen pillows you’re sleeping with before being able to roll over;
18. Waking up because your hip is numb and you need to pee and then needing to reconstruct your bed;
19. Needing to kick your husband out of bed for 5 months because there’s no room for all of you;
20. Breathlessness;
21. Pregnancy-related carpal tunnel syndrome;
22. Having to strap your wrists every night before bed;
23. Sexy compression stockings;
24. Not being able to put your sexy compression stockings on unassisted;
25. Needing help getting in and out of the shower;
26. Needing help in and out of your house;
27. Not being able to cut your own meat;
28. Not being able to turn a doorknob;
29. Passing out on the train;
30. People who sit on you on the train;
31. Upper back pain;
32. Lower back pain;
33. Twice weekly visits with the chiropractor;
34. People who say ‘But think about the miracle of life you are creating!’ – somebody pass me that half-brick in a sock;
35. Low blood pressure;
36. High blood pressure;
37. Pre-eclampsia;
38. Deep vein thrombosis;
39. Constant exhaustion;
40. All-day sickness – and not being able to take anything for it;
41. Reflux;
42. Indigestion;
43. Excessive fluid retention;
44. Stretch marks;
45. Hair – in all the places you never wanted it. Black hair;
46. Nose bleeds;
47. Bleeding gums;
48. Linea negra - that line up the middle of your stomach;
49. Melasma – or pregnancy mask;
50. Haemorrhoids.

So there you have it, 50 reasons before you even get to labour. And for anyone wondering, yes I can personally attest to most of those – certainly the worst ones. 

Most women don't get this big, but see the look on her face? See it? THAT'S pregnancy.

Here’s some bonus childbirth reasons;

1. Induction;
2. Having your waters artificially broken;
3. Syntocinon drips;
4. Pethidine;
5. Being told you can’t have an epidural because an anaesthetist isn’t available;
6. Having your husband sent home after being induced so you can both ‘sleep’ – HA!
7. Overlapping contractions;
8. Not progressing;
9. Ceasarean section;
10. That first time you get out of bed after a caesarean section.

If you missed it, check out my post on the mythical origins of werewolves.

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