Friday, 24 August 2012

Having Children: 50 Reasons Not To!

Most pregnancies don't look like this.... Or not for very long.
My friend recently directed me to this post. After having a laugh, I told her I could have come up with 50 reasons before labour even starts. 

So I thought I had better deliver, and here are my 50 reasons, in no particular order. Some of these may be funny - others not so much.
  1. Swollen feet;
  2. Cankles;
  3. Not knowing if your favourite shoes will ever fit again;
  4. Not being able to put your own shoes on;
  5. Not knowing if your favourite jeans will ever fit again;
  6. Being woken in the morning by excruciating leg cramps;
  7. Sinusitis – because who doesn’t love a nose that drips like a tap?
  8. A persistent cough for three months because of sinusitis;
  9. The disgusted looks people give you because of the cough because they are afraid you will infect them with your non-infectious sinusitis;
  10. Feet like yesterday you spent all day at a show or fair – even first thing in the morning, and even if you spent the last 24 hours lying down;
  11. Not being able to stand long enough to brush your teeth;
  12. Sore knees;
  13. Round ligament pain – I do so love the feel of a hot knife shoved into my lower abdomen;
  14. Symphisis pubis dysfunction;
  15. Not being able to stand, sit, walk or lie down without being in pain;
  16. Not being able to sleep for more than 1.5 hours at a stretch for 9 months;
  17. Waking up because your hip is numb and needing to completely reconstruct your bed and the dozen pillows you’re sleeping with before being able to roll over;
  18. Waking up because your hip is numb and you need to pee and then needing to reconstruct your bed;
  19. Needing to kick your husband out of bed for 5 months because there’s no room for all of you;
  20. Breathlessness;
  21. Pregnancy-related carpal tunnel syndrome;
  22. Having to strap your wrists every night before bed;
  23. Sexy compression stockings;
  24. Not being able to put your sexy compression stockings on unassisted;
  25. Needing help getting in and out of the shower;
  26. Needing help in and out of your house;
  27. Not being able to cut your own meat;
  28. Not being able to turn a doorknob;
  29. Passing out on the train;
  30. People who sit on you on the train;
  31. Upper back pain;
  32. Lower back pain;
  33. Twice weekly visits with the chiropractor;
  34. People who say ‘But think about the miracle of life you are creating!’ – somebody pass me that half-brick in a sock;
  35. Low blood pressure;
  36. High blood pressure;
  37. Pre-eclampsia;
  38. Deep vein thrombosis;
  39. Constant exhaustion;
  40. All-day sickness – and not being able to take anything for it;
  41. Reflux;
  42. Indigestion;
  43. Excessive fluid retention;
  44. Stretch marks;
  45. Hair – in all the places you never wanted it. Black hair;
  46. Nose bleeds;
  47. Bleeding gums;
  48. Linea negra - that line up the middle of your stomach;
  49. Melasma – or pregnancy mask;
  50. Haemorrhoids.
So there you have it, 50 reasons before you even get to labour. And for anyone wondering, yes I can personally attest to most of those – certainly the worst ones. 

Most women don't get this big, but see the look on her face? See it? THAT'S pregnancy.

Here’s some bonus childbirth reasons;
  1. Induction;
  2. Having your waters artificially broken;
  3. Syntocinon drips;
  4. Pethidine;
  5. Being told you can’t have an epidural because an anaesthetist isn’t available;
  6. Having your husband sent home after being induced so you can both ‘sleep’ – HA!
  7. Overlapping contractions;
  8. Not progressing;
  9. Ceasarean section;
  10. That first time you get out of bed after a caesarean section.
If you missed it, check out my post on the mythical origins of werewolves.

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K.T. Hanna said...

OMG This list is so true - although I think you could have added a few more things and made it to 60 easy ;)
SPD sucks donkey balls... I don't know how you're managing to go through this a 2nd time <3

Ciara Ballintyne said...

I think I may have forgotten a few symptoms... and I will live in ignorant bliss until I am rudely reminded.

Hubby and I had to talk about it a lot before we decided to do it again. Then we built a level house and installed a pool, LOL. The differences, too, are that this time I know what to do to manage it. I didn't see a chiro until 20 wks last time, whereas that won't be the case this time. Hips are already starting to give me grief though, which is not impressing me. There won't be a #3!

K.T. Hanna said...

Yeah - we always just wanted one, and I'm majorly thankful that I won't be going through this again. Sadly, I only recently found out about SPD - I've not been able to walk properly for about 3 months and my Dr kept saying it was round ligaments and basically to suck it up...
Not happy with my Dr for many reasons right now. But I'm 12 weeks away from the reward at the end :D
I hope this time around, it treats you a bit better <3

Mina Lobo said...

You so very helpfully linked #14 but it looks so scary to me I don't want to know what it is.

And hear, hear! Tell it like it is, Sister!!! I'm SO TIRED about all the fuzzy crap we're constantly fed about how you glow when you're pregnant and how wonderful and NATURAL the whole process is. Humph. Even though my pregnancy was slightly over 17 years ago, I remember very clearly that I NEVER glowed, not even once! :-)
Some Dark Romantic

Ciara Ballintyne said...

I relate - I had SPD from about 18 weeks on, so sounds like about the same as you. It's TOUGH. I just kept being told 'Hip pain is normal', and no one seemed to understand it's NOT normal to this extent. I basically self-diagnosed, AFTER my pregnancy. Was 3 months post-natal before anyone even said to me 'that's not normal'. We had a steep access to our house, so I couldn't even leave some days if hubby wasn't there to help me. Bad news from OB this time was 'you'll get it again, eralier'. Thanks. Oh well. I'll just try to manage it better. Good luck surviving those last 12 weeks!

Ciara Ballintyne said...

It is scary. It basically causes such severe pain in the pelvis it becomes impossible to get around.

The next person who tells me pregnancy is miraculous and women glow is going to get socked in the mouth. I didn't glow either. I looked haggard, downtrodden, long-suffering, and miserable! My dad even had the foresight NOT to take photos of me because he didn't think I'd ever want to see them.

MAJK said...

I vote you link this to D.C.'s post about not having Children ;) and maybe we should distribute this list to all American High Schools and mandate girls read it. I imagine that would be very effective pregnancy prevention :)

Hope you are feeling well and have a great day!

Ciara Ballintyne said...

It's funny you say that... one of my colleagues says my first pregnancy was the most effective contraception she's ever seen and she thinks I should tour high schools doing talks for the sex-ed classes LOL

Hope you're feeling better!

Erica Lucke Dean said...

I'm thinking most of these things stick around long after your kids are old enough to drink. Geez...what was I thinking?

Ciara Ballintyne said...

Oh gosh, most of them haven't hung around for me! And the ones that have, I'm hoping to get rid of after No. 2. Oh yes, I have my eye on those jeans... The SPD is a bitch though. My OB says I will get it again in second pregnancy, and earlier than last time. It started at 18 weeks last time, so the clock is ticking... And it was a persistent problem post-pregnancy, and more likely to be so after a second. Needless to say there will be no third...

Tom Stronach said...

Ah, being a man does have some benefits then.....

Ciara Ballintyne said...

Definitely. I very much wished I was a man during my pregnancy.

Marissa Farrar said...

Hahahaha! As someone who has done it twice (and is currently hoping for a third), I totally empathise with all of those points - especially the leg cramps! I now go into hospital demanding the epidural before anything else! Good luck!

Christina Majaski said...

Girl I had all day sickness for weeks. Seriously thought swine flu came with pregnancy. And I don't think sexy has ever been next to compression stockings in the whole history of forever. Great list. If 50 ain't enough reasons...

Ciara Ballintyne said...

The ironic thing is that with SPD, the worst outcome I can have is a c-section, and an epidural increases the risk. So it's a drug-free waterbirth I'm hoping for *sigh* Hard to get a break with SPD. There will be no third for me. You are a brave woman.

Ciara Ballintyne said...

I'm sure I've forgotten some. By which I mean, repressed out of shock. I'm sure when I'll remember them I'll agree ignorance is bliss. The only consolation I have is this is the last time. So last night, as I sat there barfing up my dinner, I thought to myself 'Well, apart from these occasional episodes, the nausea IS getting better - and I'll never be doing this again!'

Simon Hay said...

Ooooooh! ... I'll cut your meat :)

Amberr Meadows said...

Maybe this is why I only have one child...

Ciara Ballintyne said...

LOL thanks Simon

Ciara Ballintyne said...

We almost stopped at one

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