Recently I discovered someone was blocking me on Twitter.
Hardly an uncommon occurrence, one that happens all the time to most of us I
expect, and one that rarely bothers me.
In this case, though, it was someone I ‘knew’ reasonably
well, and I thought we got along reasonably well.
A few weeks earlier I’d even commented on their blog, and
received a rather cryptic reply which included ‘I know we’ve had our
differences in the past…’. That had me scratching my head because I wasn’t
aware we’d had our differences in the past!
I let it go, but when I found out said person had also
blocked me on Twitter, I just had to know why.
I’m not going to name this person because this isn’t a rant
against them, and I still like and respect them, irrespective of whatever
misunderstanding has occurred – rather, you could call this another rant
against miscommunication.
So I asked a mutual friend if she knew the gory details of
our ‘falling out’, because I certainly didn’t! As I expected, she did.
Apparently, I had maligned flash fiction.
More head scratching.
‘I don’t recall ever saying anything bad about flash
fiction,’ I said. And I’m pretty good at remembering the things I malign
because, well, it’s usually deliberate. I have strong opinions, and I voice
them. It’s not really in my character to forget those opinions. And I certainly
don’t even have a strong opinion about flash fiction, beyond the fact I
suck at it.
Vague niggle. Unless… ‘The only thing I can think I might
have said is that flash fiction isn’t a story, it’s a blurb.’
‘That’s it exactly,’ my friend said.
‘But… that’s a commentary on my own inability to write it,
not a derogatory comment about flash fiction.’
Which it is. I write epic and high fantasy, which is nearly
always multiple, heavy tomes. In the space of flash fiction, I’m only just
beginning to warm up. Sure, brevity is a good thing, but the skill-sets
required to write flash fiction and the multiple, subtle plot-lines of epic
fantasy are very different. I’ve tried my hand at flash fiction, and the
outcome was pretty much – don’t bother. But I have a great deal of admiration
for people who can write flash, for the very fact I can’t. I don’t much enjoy
reading it, as it doesn’t occupy me long enough, but that does not prevent me
from admiring the skill with which it is crafted.
 |
| What do you mean that's not what flash fiction is...? |
My friend assured me she’d had a long discussion arguing my
defence with this person, raising all those points, to no avail.
Obviously the end outcome was blocking me.
Which all seemed a little silly to me. A simple private
discussion with me may well have completely cleared the matter, and it hardly
seems a blocking offence.
The funny thing (or not so funny, really) is a friend and I
stopped talking for two years because of a similar misunderstanding. We both assumed
we knew what the other meant, didn’t ask, and after 15 years of friendship,
nearly lost that friendship.
So I guess there’s a few things to take out of this:
- I generally leave people in no doubt as to what I think about the things I disapprove of. If I am really going to whale on something, I won’t make one ambiguous comment about it. I do not stint in my disapproval. If I really disapprove of something, it’ll rate on this blog. You’ll notice there’s no flash fiction rant…
- For heaven’s sake, if you’re not sure what I meant, or you think I was unfair in something I said, ask. I'm not all that unreasonable and I don’t bite. OK, I don’t bite most of the time and then usually only when the recipient deserves it.
If you missed it, check out my discussion of Discovery Writers in the context of A Memory of Light.
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22 comments:
Some people just wait for ambiguous comments like yours to dismiss someone. I agree miscommunication is the root of all evil. But you cannot help what other people hear. And most of communication is how it is received. Great work, Ciara, as always.
I think this is another thing on the rise in the era of social media. I've offended people on my blog, in my tweets, and in my emails, all because they couldn't "hear" the tone of voice I was using as I wrote. Even my book has offended people (okay, I admit, I actually use the words, "You're an idiot") because readers cannot hear the eye-rolling, sarcasm, or humor I thought I was using when I said something that offended them.
I hate it that it's cost you a friendship, THAT is taking it a little far. We're adults. You're allowed to like or dislike any kind of writing or reading. I think the ability to block people or unfriend them has given us license to ignore issues instead of resolving them. Sad.
well my sweet, if everyone who I offend was to block me on Twitter you'd be one of the few left I could speak to! Have I not offended you yet, (note to self - must try harder)
And Lorca pretty much nails it on the head too, when having a verbal conversation the other party can hear the sarcasm or genuineness in the intonation of the voice matched to the facial expressions. Pretty hard to do that in a blog sometimes, although when I am ranting, like you, it is hard to mistake the intended inflections.
But there isn't a lot you can do if the misunderstanding from the other party leads to the breakdown you describe. I didn't see the original post (am I forgiven) and have just checked it out and can't for the life of me see why someone who was totally 'enamoured' with that style of writing could take offence at anything you had written
C'est la vie
xx
Sounds like your "friend" is being ridiculous and way oversensitive. I'm so tired of the easily offended wussies I encounter. Suck it up and realize that not everyone is going to agree with you or say something you like all the time. People need get over their whiny BS, IMO.
I understand disagreeing with someone about something, but not hating them for it. I have lots of friends who HATE paranormal romance and it's pretty much all I write, but I don't stop speaking to them. I just don't understand this.
No, you can't help what other people hear, especially when they don't TELL you they've taken issue with something you've said! At least then you'd have the chance to defend yourself...
I think you're right, Lorca - people have gotten click happy instead of working through the hard issues. The 'block' function was a necessary function in early messenger platforms, where there was so much porn spam, and it probably is still necessary, but it is supporting our already disposable culture, where now people are becoming disposable - just 'click' them away and move on.
Something like 65% of communication is body-language (including tone of voice), and people either don't know this, or forget it, when they jump to conclusions about how things are intended online. If it makes you feel better, I can 'hear' your tone of voice when you say 'you're an idiot'. :-)
Yes, c'est la vie, it's just a shame it comes down to that. I know if I blocked everyone I had a disagreement with I wouldn't have many people left to talk to either LOL. I'm not even sure I've ever blocked someone who wasn't spam! I've had disagreements with people and just walked away from it without blocking them.
Ha, Amberr, I totally agree! People are TOO sensitive sometimes. Not everything everyone says is a personal attack on someone else. And just because I disagree with someone on a point like this doesn't mean I don't like them and they aren't a decent person! Gosh, TWO of my best friends are religious and I am a die-hard atheist - can you get a more fundamental disagreement? And yet they are some of the strongest friendships I have.
I agree, fantasy gets almost as a bad a rep as paranormal romance. I am puzzled by people who dislike fantasy, because often I don't understand their reasons, but I don't cut them off over it! I have very few friends who read fantasy, in fact, and most of my writer friends write other genres! Still my friends...
I think this is where my addiction to smiley faces stemmed from. There is no sarcasm button and I think that everything I say online sounds so mean. I don't know why, but I HAVE to do the smiley :-)
I tend to use smileys or LOL or winks or whatever. Sometimes they don't make any difference though...
This happens to me a lot as well. I wonder if it's because I have a communication problem or if it's because people just read too much into comments... I really wish people will talk to each other more often than just ignoring them. Kudos for this blog! =)
Ha! Even before you stated your beliefs on flash I was thinking, "What? Who would accuse her of that? She's told me she can't write it and that she respects those who can. Besides, she writes epic anyways." Then I finished reading the article. Well, this person must not have known you to begin with. Really... at all, otherwise they would have known it would never be your intent to insult a genre of fiction. God forbid this had turned into a conversation on Twitter... #stabbylove would have had a field day.
It's very hard sometimes to get your meaning across on twitter in 140 characters, that's why I use LOL more than I like, love the blog, and yes, lack of communication is probably the cause of most things in the world.
Yes, I really think people should stop to discuss the matter before hitting the 'block' button.
LOL yes fortunately (I think) it wasn't on twitter (except my initial comment) and most of it was relayed through a third party. I agree, the person in question didn't know me at all - and perhaps never would have really 'gotten' me anyway!
Yes I use LOL a lot and I'd even hazard a guess I used in this instance! Obviously didn't make a difference in this case though.
Great post Ciara. I know you to be very open and approachable. This must have been beyond frustrating for you. Thanks for sharing. It reminded my that my phone can be used for conversation, not just texting!
Thanks Jerry, it's lovely to know you think so :-) It was rather frustrating! I like to think I am both open and approachable and I tend to expect people to raise problems with me rather than just sit on them.
That's too bad Ciara. You'd think with all of the activity on social media sites people would be better at communicating. I think you're advice could really apply to everyone. It's always better to ask and get clarification than to make assumptions. Thanks for sharing :)
What is it they say about assumptions? ;-)
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