This post is, of course, mostly directed at the ladies, but
if you’re a man who changed his name feel free to put up your hand!
I told my first husband the most I would do was hyphenate my
last name, and I felt that was a generous compromise. He thought hyphenation
was stupid and told me to keep my maiden name. This was convenient, and saved
me a lot of hassle, when 6 months later he took off!
I told my second husband the same thing, and he accepted
that, although he was a little taken aback. Like most men, he just assumed
I would change my name, and that’s not his fault, it’s society’s fault. Men are
conditioned to expect their wives will change their names.
But why should we?
If you suggest to a man that he should change his name when
he gets married, most of them would be horrified. So why exactly is it they
think that we, as women, should be less attached to our names? When I first
married, I’d had 24 years using my maiden name. It was a part of my identity,
and when I changed it for my second marriage, I felt I’d lost a little part of
that identity. Who was this woman with the strange name? It took me twelve
months before I answered my office phone with my married name.
The reality is that the tradition of changing names goes
back to times when women were chattels. Changing her name was really a way of
labelling her as the property of her husband. If you go back far enough, in
some societies, a man was responsible for the actions of his wife the same way
a dog owner is now responsible if their dog attacks someone.
The whole concept is antithetical to who I am. I do not
belong to anyone. I am not owned by anyone. I am most certainly not the
property of anyone. I was born with my maiden name, I’m proud of my heritage,
and yes it’s a defining part of my identity. No matter how much I care for
someone, I shouldn’t be required to give up those parts of me or my life. I particularly hate being addressed as Mrs [insert husband's first name][insert husband's surname]. I am NOT a man and my name is NOT Matthew!
I have a friend who liked taking her husband’s name, but she
freely admits to being old-fashioned. So I guess maybe this makes me a feminist
(although I dislike labels as well).
In a perfect world, I believe a couple would both
hyphenate their names on marriage, with their birth name appearing first (to
avoid arguments about who gets to go first) – kind of like a wedding ring, it
would indicate the marital status of each partner. The mother could pass her
birth name on to her daughters, and the father could pass his birth name on to
his sons.
Of course, this is completely contrary to hundreds of years
of cultural conditioning and isn’t likely to happen in the near future (if
ever). The same friend mentioned above also noted there are often negative
connotations made about children who have different surnames to their mother
(now see my post Judgements: Do You Make Unfair Ones?) because assumptions are
made about that woman’s sexual habits. Of course, it wouldn’t just be she is a
professional career woman who chooses to keep her maiden name....
It may not be a probable system but it would certainly be a fair system.
What do you think? Did you change your name? Did you want
to, or did you want to keep your maiden name and instead bowed to societal
pressure and husbandly expectations? Did you hyphenate, and if so, why? Did you
keep your maiden name? What did your husband think if you did? Are you a man who
took his wife’s surname?
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G, H, I, J, K, L and M.
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70 comments:
This issue is definitely an interesting one, Ciara, and I love that you brought it up. I myself have never been married, but there is a lot of heritage behind my last name. I am one of six grandkids--four already have a different last name by marriage, leaving two of us with the last name. The other is a boy, so I imagine he'll keep his; I myself have a hard time knowing I might change mine, thereby leaving exactly one person to carry on the name.
On the other end of the token, though, I have a colleague who did the hyphen last name method--and now that he's divorced, he gets extremely irritated that we all still refer to him by the initials of his hyphenated last name, like we did before his divorce. His irritation kind of amuses me--isn't that what women have had to deal with forever, in changing their names? Just a thought... :)
Thanks again for a great piece!
I dropped my first name, moved the nick name of my middle name to my first, moved my maiden name to my middle name and took my husbands last name!
~eDee
I felt exactly the same way you do, but it's very hard to fight against societal expectations, and even more so the expectations of someone you love. My husband was pretty good about it, but I know he was still surprised because he just 'assumed'. Another friend of mine came to me for support against his fiancee because she didn't want to change her name. Possibly he appealed to the wrong person....
Sure, your male colleague was irritated, and justifiably so, but his is not a NEW issue. You are absolutely right, women have been dealing with it a lot longer! I sympathise with him, but I also understand your amusement - for us, it's just part and parcel of the deal, and why shouldn't it be part and parcel for EVERYONE or otherwise NO ONE?
That's complicated! I don't have a middle name, so that was never happening for me. I know some women who made their maiden name their middle name, but that option didn't grab me either. It is definitely one solution for those women who want to change their name but hold on to their heritage.
I'm assuming you never much liked your first name then. I know a few women like that - including a Mona Antoinette who goes by 'Tonie'!
I changed my name entirely, and well kinds thought this post would be about that. When I got married, I changed my first, middle and last name. And then I came up with a pen name anyway, which includes my married last name. Go figure. My legal name is Violet.
The complete name change is apparently more common than I thought it was! I know a lot of women who use names other than their real name (my grandmother was 'Judy' even though her legal name was 'Beryl') so I wonder if it's just these days people feel more comfortable making that change legal!
I also have a friend whose mother changed her name after divorce. She didn't want to go back to her maiden name after so many years of marriage, and she wanted to keep her initials, so she chose a new last name that started with the same letter as her married name. When my friend ot divorced, she also took that last name.
Lots of new name issues coming out of the woodwork I think. I have to say, changing ALL your names is a very big step and the first time I have come across that particular scenario.
Pen names is, of course, another issue for those of us who are writers.
I took my first husband's last name, and when I remarried, I just moved my former married name to my middle name for the sake of my kids. It makes for a great writer name and I didn't even have to make it up.
great article, and this is coming from a man whos never had a name change... Old traditions, as good as they are, has to fit with current day society.. And now a days, society wants equal rights, therefor the name change shouldn't be a argument between couples...
Exactly, it shouldn't be an argument! What a way to start a marriage, after all. But men often expect it (because it's a societal norm) and women are becoming more resistant to it, and it can be a hard topic to raise and discuss and agree on.
Thanks for commenting!
Agreed! I guess I will reconsider when the time comes...
Maybe. :)
I just remembered, too, my boss still introduces me by my maiden name alone, even though my married name is on my business cards, email sign-off etc.and I've been married 4 years! So it's not just changing it back after a divorce that is a problem.
I changed my last name, didn't give it much thought. I have a friend who hasn't changed a bit of her name and both, her husband and she are okay with it. I guess to each his/her own...food for thought, your post :)
I'd changed my name legally well before I married for the reasons you outline above: I found it offensive that my surname had been passed down patrilineally, and that the women in my family had been so conveniently erased from the history. When I got married, I was clear from the get go that I'd be sticking with the name I'd chosen, and I tell my daughter that she's not allowed to change hers, because she has to pass the name along to her daughters. She finds me very amusing, but she's promised to keep the name. And that's saying a fair bit since the name I chose years ago is definitely on the...interesting side. :)
It is precisely food for though! It often doesn't get thought about, and that's no issue if both the woman and the man don't, it's when one has and the other hasn't that it starts to get icky!
Oh, is it Windwraith that is actually your legal name? Please please PLEASE say yes! LOL I once tried to get my first husband to change his name to 'Ironeagle'.
I agree it is offensive that names are handed down patrilineally, but I can't personally get offended about mine because I love my Dad too much. But on an intellectual level, I definitely agree with you, and I really do think names should be handed mother to daughter anmd father to son. How much fairer can you get? If my daughter wants to take my maiden name when she gets older, I would support that 100%! Or even my mother's name, or her mother's name...
I changed my name, I didn't really have any qualms about it. At the time, I didn't think twice about doing so, but I think I my marriage ever ended, I'd change my name back.
I kept my name when I got married because firstly, I love my name too much, and secondly, I didn't see why on earth I should change it - nobody would be expecting my husband to change his, would they? By that stage in our relationship, he knew me and my feminism well enough to just shrug and say 'whatever you like, dearest.' I did get my name from my dad but I don't see that as an issue - it's my name, whose it was before it was mine is neither here nor there to me.
There's still a lot of prejudice around regarding this. On our mortgage papers, we had to go down as co-habiting, because the bank's computer systems automatically filled in both surname fields as the same as soon as the 'married' box was ticked. The one that makes me laugh, though, is when people who are introduced to me first assume that my husband is (husband's first name) de Lange.
I could go on and on about this. Thanks for choosing this as a topic!
Very interesting post, Ciara! And one of the reasons I took a pen name. True, I wanted privacy, using a pen name, but also wanted my writing to feel like me/my heritage/my upbringing. After all, it was my parents who started me on this adventure of writing. So, while Marsha is my real first name, Moore is my mother's maiden name, and it feels just right. I'm very proud to use a name from my family.
This was a really good post. My wife (and I) handled the last name issue differently than most when we were married in January of last year. She kept hers and I took it! She is well established in her career and I am not. Our plan is for her to be the primary breadwinner and me to be the primary parent. So, she is a well established professional under her name and noboby would recognize it if Ishe took mine. I don't have the same dynamic going from my name to her name. Shortly before the wedding. I decided to make the change. Told her on Christmas Eve. She was stunned. Actually, she asked me to reconsider, that it was cool with her for me not to change. But I told her it was too late, and then she said GREAT! After New Year's we told everyone and the reaction was mostly negative. Anyway, the big day came, I signed the certificate, the minister introduced us to the crowd as "the herlastnames}", and of course the deejay did too. I spent a considerable amount of time doing the paperwork after that, but it's all over now. And, in November, our daughter was born, with mother's lats name of course.
I was *very* happy to change my name when I got married; I love that the meaning of my husband's name is "keeper of the dogs" and reflects a more international heritage than the name I'd grown up with. In fact, I had hated that last name growing up (though I loved my dad), so one of my semi-conscious considerations in dating had been last name improvement. So I kept my first and middle names and changed my last name.
Now my dad's gone off the deep end (divorced my mom after 42 years) and I'm even happier not to be associated with him. My mom has reverted to her maiden name and I couldn't be prouder of her.
I'm not married, but as of this point in my life (28) when the time comes I don't want to change my name. If it is an issue then I'll address it then, but I feel any one I'm going to marry is going to understand my point of view on issues such as these.
Mark you ROCK! You are totally dripping awesomeness. I figured somewhere there would be a man who would do this, but I hadn't met him yet.
This is not to suggest a man should be obliged to take his wife's name, because I am advocating an equal and fair system, but simply you get major credit for being prepared and willing to take this step. I can imagine the negativity you got, which is dreadful! Because why should a man be treated negatively for doing something we expect women to do unthinkingly?
I wonder if if used to be the case that a man who cooked or changed dirty nappies got the same negative criticism?
I have no issue if a woman wants to change her name, and for for both genders there can be motivating factors to change a name (like a crappy surname!), but I do feel it shouldn't be an expectation
Yes, I frequently get asked 'is that your name'? like maybe it's on my driver's licence but it's not actually my name *rolls eyes*
On our mortgage papers, the 'signing' copy was sent to my husband, and only a 'copy for my records' was mailed to me, even though I was the primary applicant, primary income earner, and the only person they had ever discussed the loan with. How do you like THAT one?
Having a pen name doesgive us more opportunities to explore our matriachal heritage should we wish to! A nice bonus for us writers.
Ironically, this is one reason I didn't want to change my name for my first marriage - his last name SUCKED. Cruel, but true. If I was him, I would have changed it.
Both my first and second husband sometimes got called Mr [insert maiden name] because I tend to be the one who makes all the bookings, and there is an assumption that my name is a married name, so it must also be my husband's name. My first husband hated it, but current husband doesn't mind too much.
Absolutely, they should, but I think men are so ingrained at a subconscious level to expect their wife to change her name it can come as a shock when they don't. I recommend being upfront about it from the get-go - weed out the guys who can't stand the idea during the first rounds of dating rather than a week before the wedding LOL
I took my husband's name, mainly because it's cooler and less common. It wasn't that important to me either way.I love my family but it was a pretty plain name, and I didn't feel like I needed to keep a name to stay connected with my heritage. And a hyphenation of the names would've just been weird. Can't really say I did it for tradition though, not much about our wedding was traditional, we don't even use rings. Even after nearly 6 years of marriage, neither of us wear rings. Now that's what gets us some strange looks.
This was an excellent post and so well written for such a touchy subject. I took my husband's name after we married, and never had the intention of doing otherwise, I'm a traditionalist. What I didn't expect was how difficult it would be for me to accept it once the time came. I had also spent 27 years with my maiden name, built a career with it, and then needed to change it. It was much more difficult than i anticipated. However, after 15 years of marriage I'm used to it and am happy that all 5 of us have the same name. I'm now a new follower and happy to have found your blog via the A to Z.
A2ZMommy and What’s In Between
I really like this topic. I never really wanted to change my name. With my first husband I hyphenated but it wasn't really a good looking match and neither was the marriage. With my second husband he felt very strongly about me taking his name. I compromised and legally moved my maiden to be a second middle name. The main issue I had was as an actress I had done all my performing under my maiden name. I didn't want to lose my reputation or start all over. So for the stage I am still my maiden name.
Now, one of my best friends did something fun. Her and her husband made up a whole new last name for themselves. It is a fun idea but my husband is not that fun. LOL
You should have seen the looks I got when I turned up in a red wedding dress!
There are many reasons to change names, I just don't think anyone should feel compelled to do so if they don't want.
Yes, the actual practical process of effecting the name change can be quite difficult! After 4 years I still have some mail still addressed to my maiden name because it's so damn hard to change them all.
Thanks for stopping by, it's lovely to have met you!
Absolutely, with more women having careers of many stripes, changing the name becomes difficult when you have an established reputation attached to the maiden name. For this reason, I knew I definitely wasn't changing my name completely.
I LOVE the idea of making up a new name, how innovative!
I didn't bother changing my name when I got married, mostly out of laziness and an attachment to my maiden name. I actually don't mind when people attempt to address me by my "married name." For one, I think it's funny for people to try to pronounce it. For another, I like having a "secret identity." It's funny to let people address me that way and then say, "Well, I use that name, but my real name is..."
Ha, secret agent style! I like it. Changing one's name is rather tedious and laborious.
I changed my name when I got married, because I'm old fashioned that way. But now that we've been seperated (for 7 years, but that's another story) almost everything is in my maiden name. I haven't gotten any grief for that, or the fact that my name is different than my daughter's. :)
Yeugh, that's just plain sexist. Much worse than servers in restaurants who automatically assume that my husband's paying for the meal when it's my turn (we alternate). Makes the chance of them getting a tip drop through the floor. I would have kicked up such a stink at your mortgage people, that's appalling.
My maiden name is nearly unpronounceable. Still, I wanted to keep it. My first husband was so crushed, I caved in and took his name, rationalizing that it was simpler to spell and pronounce. The marriage didn't last long, but I had started to establish his last name as my writing name, so I just kept it. (I was also too lazy to go through the hideous name-changing process again.) Many years later I married again, and kept my first husband's name. Then I went and took on a pseudonym for writing, anyway. Go figure. My second husband is totally cool with whatever I want to call myself, and in fact thinks it's funny if he gets called "Mr. Lennox.' We were just talking about this the other day!
Thanks for the kind words. The comments were about 2-1 negative, with some of the biggest naysayers being women, and fairly young women at that! It's been about 15 months and I've pretty well adjusted to the new name. It was a pain in the necj going through the process of changing it, and I found out along the way that a main reason why men, as opposed to women, change their last name is because they've been convicted of a crime and are trying to either start afresh or hide their identity, depending on how you look at it. So there was some resistance from the credit card companies and the like.
But your name is only your name because someone else decided to take it really...very little to do with heritage as it only shows one side....
I see why you wouldn't want to change your name because you aren't owned by anyone, but it's more about associating yourself with someone, I love that it's obvious that I am associated with my husband, so whether it was his taking mine or me taking his I'd have wanted it to happen.
Also, I don't think it's a coincidence that a lot of people who don't change their name end up having more than one husband. Whether that's because they have strong wills and won't put up with any crap or that they make everything and issue I'm unsure...
When I was coming to the decision about not wanting to change my name I know I looked into the man changing his name. I was surprised to see how few states allowed a man to go through the same process that a woman would go through, the majority of states add extra legal hoops.
I give you a lot of credit for going though all that.
I had a classmate in college who was a feminist. She's the one who really got me thinking about the last name issue. She got mad at me when I said I still want an engagement ring.
We, as women, have a tendency to be nurturers, and when our men are really hurt we do tend to try and please them at our own expense. I do understand the s of going through and needing to change the name - I'm grateful I didn't have to change mine back after the divorce. There was certainly no way I wanted to be affiliated with him.
It's amazing how many stories people have to tell on this issue.
I think those judgements are mostly unspoken, and revolve around the idea that a woman whose name is different her child's had children out of wedlock (not that THAT should matter these days!). It's not a judgement I myself have made, and the friend who mentioned it may be biased because she works in social services and so a lot of the women she deals with do have different names to their children, and there might be four or five children who all also have different names!
Unfortunately I had been through so much grief trying to get a mortgage I didn't have the energy!
Nice job! So 'Lucke' is technically a middle name?
How bizarre that many negative comments came from young women.
As a lawyer, I've come across men who did change their name for reasons relating to criminal histories, but also a guy who changed it for other reasons (he never did tell me the actual reason though). It's very judgemental in itself to assume a man who changes his name is hiding a criminal past though!
What? That's so sexist! Why should a man have to go through extra steps to change his name??
These days it should be about associating yourself with someone, hence why I proposed both partners change their name - it's fair and doesn't require one party to do something the other doesn't.
I can't comment about other women who didn't change their name (I don't personally know any others!). In my case, it turned out my husband had multiple personalities and multiple mistresses. I offered to stand by him (in sickness and in health and all that) if he sought treatment, which he unequivocally refused, so we divorced. I don't think I made an unreasonable 'issue' out of that, but I definitely was standing for that crap.
I hate to admit this, but I took my husbands name. Not because I'm old fashioned or I liked his better. I wanted to look better than my husband's brother's wife who kept her maiden name. I know I am an awful person!
It's that way in almost every US state. That will probably change but it is discriminatory. It's also expensive, in that you need a court order to make the change legal.
It is judgmental but I understand it. If male name-changing is often part of a fraud, it's logical that companies will be on guard.
As for the comments, I never really counted things up, but most of the big supporters were women too. It just surprised me how many female naysayers there were.
Oh I didn't think you had. :) I know my Dad voiced concern over the fact that I would be changing my name but not my daughter's. Though legally I could, I don't personally think it's right - even though she HAS voiced thoughts about having her name be my maiden name lol. And you do have a very good point. ;)
I had the same reaction when I found out.
The problem is, a woman can change her name FOR fraud but doesn't get the same scrutiny because no one thinks to ask! Also, a man should be capable of changing his name upon marriage in exactly the same way a woman does. The gender shouldn't make a difference. This is discrimination against men because of a custom that arose because we live in a patriarchal society. Basically, you're being discriminated against because for centuries men ran this joint! Just like being a woman really.... Welcome to the sisterhood LOL
That's silly. All I did was front up at a motor registry with my marriage certificate. It should be the same for men.
LOL that's funny! I'm going to assume she's an awful person so we can get you off the hook for being awful!
I agree, it's been her name for x number of years, that decision should be hers. My brother's ex gave his children his last name, and now she wants to try and change it to her new husband's name. That's just wrong. The poor kid can change it himself when he's an adult if he wants to, he shouldn't have to change it now because she wants to hide the fact she had a child with another man before her current husband!
Yeah I don't have issues with the engagement ring. Some couples now practice engagement rings for men. I have a friend who is very old-fashioned so I've learned not to get angry over a difference of opinion on these points!
6 years married, and I've kept my surname. I get strange looks sometimes when traveling, because our names don't match. Sometimes people assume my maiden name is my married name as well.
However, in the cultural tradition of my parents, the child's middle name is always the mother's maiden name (no hyphens needed). When I have children, I intend to keep that tradition, and pass my surname on. It would be first name, mothers surname / middle name, father's surname on all the paperwork. That's how mine looks now, so it seems odd to me when people have no middle names, or leave out their mothers from their names.
That is so true! And by lots of traditional standards, I probably qualify for at least honorary membership in the sisterhood: I took my spouse's name, our child has my spouse's name, I stay home fulltime and my spouse works fulltime (lawyer).
With this sword I grant upon thee honorary sisterhood LOL
Thank you. And for my first tasks, I shall feed the baby and start getting supper ready.
Really exceptiional post! As to coolio Mark T., we need more like you! I didn't change my name, and my x said he was ok with that. In the end, he really wasn't, and always thought I must have been up to something because "you didn't even love me enough to take my name." How ridiculously unrelated was that?! I actually had to PAY to keep my name, though, because legally, upon marriage, the woman's name changes automatically. How sexist is that?
You're quite wrong about the origin of women taking the last name of men. It didn't exist when women were considered chattels. It came into existence much later as a protection for women so that other men would know to keep their distance. Ever wondered why Anne Boleyn is not known as Anne Tudor?
At first they started adding 'de', so it would be Anne Boleyn de Tudor. They still do that in a lot of South American nations, but they can also go by Señora Tudor. They have a married name and their original name. Dropping the 'de' was just convenience, nothing more.
The real reason we have so much more equality now is not because women are a million times braver now than ever before, or men more just, or society more evolved. People are the same now as ever; some are heroes and some are scuts. Levels of good and evil vary widely, and the balance tips either way in almost anybody.
No, the reason for equality is the concealable percussion-lock pistol. Now a 100 pound woman can fight off a 200 pound man with ease, and no man knows who has the pistol and who doesn't. There were always men who would rather die than rape, and men who would die to rape, but while muscle-powered weapons were the norm, women were always at a disadvantage. Matchlock, wheel-lock, snaphance and flintlock were all not quite good enough to be widely usable for women. Colonel Colt didn't just make men equal, he made women equal too, with a nice little .32 caliber short-barreled revolver. Every woman alive, and every man worth a damn, should thank Colt and others for this most important of inventions, because the world is a far better place with women equal to men in as many ways as possible.
There are many origins of the current tradition from many areas. From the research I did, one of them did relate to the chattel laws, but was not the ONLY source of the tradition.
I'm not sure that referencing the customs of the nobility is valuable, as often they had different customs to the lower classes.
I definitely don't believe guns made women equal. We have severe gun restrictions in Australia and I don't know one woman who carries a gun. Equality, at least in part, originates from what a man is taught as a boy. This is reflected in the domestic violence cycle, where men who had abusive fathers often (but not always) end up perpetrating the same crime. A man is far more likely to respect a woman if we teach him women deserve respect than if we teach him to treat them poorly.
Nor do I recall referencing the reasons for equality at all, so I'm uncertain why you've mentioned this point all.
Oh, the good old 'you didn't love me enough to change your name' line. Oh, well, guess what buster, you didn't love ME enough to change YOUR name either, cause I bet he damn sure didn't. Love this one-sided logical reasoning process. If love is the reason we change our nae, isn't that an argument for both parties to change their names?
I am appalled you had to pay to KEEP your name. Just outrageous!
And by mentioning the traditions in your parents culture, you've reinforced the fact this IS a cultural tradition and there's no reason it shouldn't be changing to keep pace with today's changing culture.
Oh for sure, things change. I find it interesting though, how different cultures place varying emphasis / value on the mother's name. I find it sad when the mother's line gets lost by default.
I don't think we SHOULD change our name, but I personally did. I did it for the (at the time) hypothetical kids. I wanted to share their name. I wanted to take the name of my husband in my regular life as a sign of my commitment to him and his heritage. I still use my maiden name as my stage name, so I get to hold onto my identity there, however. I am also considering changing my non-existent middle name to my maiden name. It was also going to be nice not have to spell my name everywhere I went - Apparently an Anglicised German name is a difficult one to spell... Hurrah!... Then I married someone with an authentic Dutch name... D'Oh! On the upside, the mistakes in spelling are rather minor, missing a letter here, changing a letter there, rather than a complete obliteration of my name and heritage, as was shown in the past! And now it is me who mispronounces my name, with a distinctly Aussie accent with a hard A "JAN...." rather than the softer and more technically correct Dutch pronounciation of "YAHN...", whereas my maiden name's pronounciation was obliterated, clearly without any understanding of the basic inner workings of the English language, by my very own cousins "HABB..." rather than the correct "HABE...". I am fortunate in being able to have two identities, keeping the maiden, while taking on the married. Taking on my husband's name has also given me a new heritage to bask in. As you personally know, my own heritage was quite scambled, a bit from here and a bit from there, identifying as whatever European country I felt like identifying as for that particular day, because my family originated from most of them in Western Europe, whereas my husbands heritage is so much more cut and dried - His mother is Scottish and his father is Dutch. That's it. Scottish and Dutch. It's much easier to pass on my husband's heritage to my daughter than it is to pass on mine.
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