- Reading
from Hell - Have your new mother-in-law do a reading at the service about
how a wife should be obedient to her husband and the husband should respect his
wife even though she is a the weaker partner. If you are the bride, I don’t
expect your husband will be getting lucky any time soon. In the instance I
witnessed, it was the groom’s mother-in-law. Her reading, while delivered in a
completely reasonable tone, was accompanied by a stern look threatening to rain
hellfire and brimstone on any woman who was not an obedient wife.
This is a sure way to have at least one side of the church punctuated by exclamations of ‘What the - !’ and ‘Did she really say that?’ as you take your vows. Ah, sweet memories. - Live
Music - You would think it would be difficult to take the cake from the fire
and brimstone reading, but no… Have your mother-in-law sing at your wedding
service! Of course, if your mother-in-law is someone as talented as, say, Beyoncé,
this may make a fantastic impression. Alas, in this case the mother-in-law was
untalented and painfully unschooled. I am sure there wasn’t even a whisker of
karaoke experience there. Coupled with what appeared to be a complete lack of
preparation or rehearsal. Shania Twain, forgive us, it was a truly awful
rendition of ‘From This Moment’.y family being what it is, though, my aunt has now fervently promised her son
she will be performing at his wedding. I suggested a little rehearsal might be
in order, to which the response was an airy dismissal and the assertion ‘Who
needs practice? I’m tone-deaf, too, but that doesn’t matter!’ Another
unforgettable moment.
- Speeches - Don’t forget to add the icing to the cake by having your mother-in-law do a speech at your wedding reception. This speech should be filled with stern marital advice and concluded by your father-in-law hoping for more grandchildren, at which point your mother-in-law must seize the microphone and shout ‘NOT YET!’. Your father-in-law will add the finishing touches to your mortification by advising the guests it is now permitted for you and your new spouse to have sex.
This was undeniably an unforgettable wedding. I confess I
wanted an unforgettable wedding. However, I think few of us want their wedding
to be the butt of family jokes from their wedding day into eternity.
If you want an unforgettable wedding, have the bride wear
red. It’s far less embarrassing. And if anything like the above happens, it’s
possible the guests won’t notice the red in your face for the red in her dress.
